I just started reading these. Hilarious.
Here are two I found fantastic:

Put my dog outside for being bad while I was going to clean up the mess he made in the living room. After I leaned my head out and yelled, "BAD DOG!" I went to slam the door shut. I didn’t move my head fast enough and knocked myself unconscious with the door. When I came to, I was lying halfway outside from how I fell and the door was left open. The dog had pooped in the living room and also left a little steamy pile about a foot away from my face while I was out. #MyDumbInjury

I was trying to open the lid of my ice cream and I pulled so hard I punched myself in the face. #MyDumbInjury

LOL