Hi friends, I just wanted to share a few things and let you all know why I haven’t been around much lately. I know how much it sucks when forumites disappear without explanation, so here’s my story…

I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety since childhood (bullying, alcoholic and compulsive gambling father who was in and out of jail, etc.) and never had the opportunities for the help and therapy I needed. I met the woman of my dreams when I was 21 which was a downright joyous thing for both of us. We married after six years together and welcomed our son into the world in 2010, and our daughter in 2012. Through all of this we had plenty of stress and disagreements, but we managed to never go to bed mad at each other. A few months before our son was born I started to self-medicate with spice because I hated the fuck out of my job, and once the stress of being parents got to us my wife and I began to drift apart. Things have been especially rough for the past two years after I lost my job for depression and anxiety related poor performance. Mrs. Spinalcountdown begged me to get the help I needed but I refused. At some point earlier this year she finally gave up on me and started having an affair over the summer. We started marriage counseling, but my doc had me on Paxil, which is the most vile poison known to mankind IMO. It made me suicidal for the first time in my life to the point of constructing a detailed plan about how I would do it. When my doc took me off of it the withdrawal threw me into rages where I would say the nastiest things to my wife. Over the weekend she decided that enough is enough and no longer wants to work on our marriage.

I’m checking myself into a partial psychiatric hospitalization program on Friday (6.5 hours of therapy a day, 3-5 days a week) because inpatient isn’t an option unless I’m actively suicidal, and I’ve quit using blends and alcohol so I can I adjust to new my medications and have a clear head for therapy and coping with reality. I know that things will get better but I’ve never been this low before, and I don’t even have my best friend to lean on or confide in anymore. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it but I know I have to.

This won’t be goodbye for good, but just until I’m a better, stronger me, who can come back for all the laughs, entertainment, and camaraderie that all of you have provided over the years. Thanks for letting me vent, Planeteers, and also for any prayers, thoughts, and general positive mojo you can send my way.  :beers: