Two mornings ago, a policeman pounded on my door and when I opened it, he told me that there was a hostage situation on my street that they were trying to control, and to shelter in place.  I knew my neighbor was home with her two small children, and that her husband was at work.  My husband was also at work.  I didn’t know it at the time, but my husband heard about what was happening through the private community FB page and was trying to reach me, but my cell phone wasn’t working.  We have a fence separating our houses, but neither of us has a back fence.  I snuck through our backyards to get to her, and we barricaded ourselves with her children for 6 hours. 

The neighbors all communicated on the private FB page, sharing tidbits of information and pictures, and checking on one another.  Hubby and I got in touch…I wanted desperately to leave the area but they were not letting anyone in or out of the neighborhood.  The police office that lives a few doors down from us was having a domestic dispute with his wife, and was armed and making threats.  The wife and child got out, and but he stayed in his house, refusing to come out.  They called SWAT, the sheriff’s department, SLED, snipers, and brought in hostage negotiators as well as robots.  He never made contact with anyone outside the house…went into the FROG and shot himself.  No one else was injured. 

I moved into this neighborhood a few months ago, and only learned the name of the officer 2 weeks ago – I knew him.  I grew up with him, and we also dated many years ago, parted amicably.  I am in shock and sorrow.  I kept meaning to go knock on his door and say hello, but I didn’t. 

I’m having a difficult time with all of this… I don’t feel like I know what a proper reaction is to anything anymore.  I can’t reconcile my feelings with all that has happened.  I’m sad and numb, at times unable to function.  I know PTSD from the robbery/kidnapping is playing a large part of all of this…  and for me this was two separate events happening simultaneously.  An unknown assailant was terrorizing my neighborhood and causing us to hide in our homes in fear…and I lost a friend and neighbor to suicide. 

I don’t think I can handle another bad thing.  I feel so fractured, scared, and threatened, even though I know I’m not in any danger. 

Thanks for being here, Planet X, and for letting me get this off my chest.  I needed to say it somewhere safe, where I won’t feel judged.  I am not a self centered person, and I know this is not all about me….and I’m not trying to be a drama queen, get attention, or get anyone’s pity.  All of this is happening around me and affecting me so deeply, and I just need some outlet.  again, thank you.