I suffer from severe Seasonal Affective Disorder, aka SAD. (hilarious, right?!)  Here’s a pretty good article about it: http://www.psychiatry.org/seasonal-affective-disorder

I’ve been having a particularly difficult time this winter because I decided to forgo antidepressants, for a variety of reasons.  The two biggest reasons are 1. weaning off them is a *bitch*, 2. and I came off my birth control last spring, with the intention of trying to become pregnant last fall.  A trip to the ER for abdominal pain in August led to the discovery of PCOS and six benign tumors on my liver.  Our desire to start a family was put on hold while I receive MRIs every three months to monitor the situation – making sure the tumors stay benign and don’t grow. 

I have another MRI coming up in March, and I admit while chances are fabulous I will pass with flying colors (the other 2 so far had good results), I admit I have been nervous and dreading it…I haven’t made the appointment yet, I’ve been putting it off.

I’m saying all of this to add context to my story…the past few months have been hell.  The SAD has got me thinking thoughts that aren’t mine.  I’ve gotten caught in this downward spiral of negative thinking, stress, worry over the MRI, will I be a good mom, ect.  My husband works at the hospital, and I don’t get to spend a lot of time with him, and I miss him.  The SAD makes me want to hole up in my house, sleep too much or wayyyy to little, and spend too much time in my own mind.  My social activities dwindle, and I become a hermit.  I’ve been thinking about how my friends can’t possibly like me as much as I like them, even my childhood friend who I’ve been practically a sister with for 23 years.  I’ve been thinking that my husband might not really want to have a child with me, but he just doesn’t want me to leave him and have a baby with someone else.  I’ve pondered my self-worth.  I’ve thought about how life would be different if I just got in the car and left it all behind.  I got on Planet X chat last night and talked about thinking about cheating on my husband.  This is not me.  This is NOT ME.

And today, the culmination of all this plus a few small straws to break the camels back, and I melted down about an hour ago.  I was crying, hyperventilating, panicking, and could hardly see.  My husband is working at the hospital today, and I  needed him, but he didn’t answer his phone.  I called my BFF and bawled to her while she talked me off the ledge.  Then I smoked some weed, and sat on the couch and ALL of my pets joined me.  I have three cats and a dog, and they don’t usually all cuddle together.  But they sat on my lap, pressed to my sides, and on my feet, every one of them touching me.  Two of them are still here with me.  The cats all purred and the dog looked at me with soulful eyes.  They knew I was in serious distress and gave me all the positive energy and unconditional love they could muster.  And I realized, with great relief, that almost all the crap I was going through and thinking was the SAD.

I was so deep in it that I didn’t even realize it was the SAD.  After last night’s chat session (thank you SmxkinSkxlls and skush for being there for me) I was feeling worse than ever and guilty as hell. I LOVE my husband dearly (have NO desire to stray!) and when this liver/tumor bullshit is resolved and this fucking SAD disappears with spring, I will be back to the normal me.  I need things to get better, and soon.

Thank the universe for best friends, weed, incredibly sensitive animals, and Planet X.