Hey all,

I’m glad to be back on the scene.  I disappeared for awhile and I figured I’d let you all know how the last year for me has gone down.  It’s a crazy, sad tale, but the good news is, life is starting to feel good again.

As many of you know, I’ve been with the forum since it was spiceworld420 and Jimmy Wonka ran the show.  I blended from about 2007 or whenever it started, to about spring of 2012.

My girlfriend and I started arguing all the time over it.  We were addicts, plain and simple.  I’ve always been one pretty much, and I felt like I turned her into one and I was extremely guilty about that all the time.

I decided to stop smoking.

Things started getting real stressful real fast.  The job I had, which I tried very hard at, and was well liked by all the people I delivered food to (meals on wheels and community centers), started going really bad around that time.  I quit, because my boss was a maniac.  I was too stressed out to continue.  Bad move to quit without something else lined up.

This whole time I had been driving my grandma’s car, because my car had gotten smashed after I paid it off, but insurance didn’t cover it..  it got shit gas mileage as it was, and money was tight.  My girlfriend was living here with me and my mom, and not enough space, and me being off, made her sorta resent me.  We fought a lot.

I got a tax return and in my depression started tripping.. heavily..  I was using MXE, multiple tryptamines and phenethylamines, DOC, although I was no longer smoking blends, or weed.

I ended up extremely manic and delusional.  I lost 45 lbs or so.  I was sorta replacing my blend habit with psychedelics, which doesn’t work too well.  Also, the slight withdrawal from cannabinoids was already leaving me sleepless and overstimulated, so psychedelics, especially the stimulant based ones, were a bad idea.  I got extremely manic, paranoid, and disfunctional.

The rage built up over the course of my life towards my neglectful dad who left when I was 14 finally spilled over the sides, and I got drunk and trashed his yard.  I carved pentagrams into his new wife’s windshield to scare her, as she’s religious, and I really acted like a dick.. but it was a big release of years and years of pent up anger and sadness.  He has since forgiven me and I’m paying a fine.

I ended up in the mental hospital.  I got despondent, suicidal, threw out my drugs, kicked my girlfriend out to save her from my bad habits and partially because we argued all the time, but mainly because I was compulsive and manic and a dick.  I didn’t trust anyone.  I started to believe, truly believe, that I could/was meant to save the world from itself, and psychedelics were the key.

If I listed all the crazy shit I did before I flushed them and then ran out of the reserve stash and ended up in the hospital, you’d all be like "Holy shit"..

Let this serve as a warning.  It should be obvious to anyone, but never use psychedelics daily.  I wouldn’t suggest using them on tolerance breaks from MJ or noids either, as your brain is less inhibited and more prone to stimulation I feel when your endogenous levels of cannabinoids are down.  I got to a point where I didn’t care.  I plotted my own downfall for months.  I was extremely suicidal.  I was homeless for awhile due to my actions.  I got a DUI after a doctor gave me ambien, and I drove in my sleep.  I wasn’t even abusing it.  I tried to asphyxiate myself with CO2 poisoning at some point, like Brett Chidester did, the one who made Salvia famous.

I’m posting this mostly to tell people that no matter how bad it gets, how hard your rock bottom is, it can get better.

I now can’t drive until next summer, and owe about 3000 bucks to ‘the man’, but I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons.  I’ve learned stimulants aren’t for me.  I’ve learned abusing anything can have serious consequences.  I’ve learned I love my girlfriend and I’ll do just about anything to figure my shit out and get back together, but she has since stopped smoking herself to death and I’m glad.  Some of you might remember on TGL I got all religious and weird, and before that I posted about coughing up black shit.  I didn’t mean to be judgmental at all.  I was truly nuts.  I even told Jaybee he was right.  lol

What happened to me was the experience of enlightenment, then it went to far into paranoia, and thinking I was god.  Never let this happen to you.  You all probably consider me a pretty smart guy, I think.. well.. just want you all to know that you’re never too smart to fuck up.  😛

I got a job again finally now, and I really like it!

I’m paying my fines, and not depressed for the first time in a long time!

I’ve learned a thing called "discipline", which was foreign to me, probably a bi-product of not having a stable family life in my formative years.  I trip maybe once or twice a month, and I’m gonna start smoking blends again because I legitimately do have bad insomnia problems, and I miss laughing my ass off and listening to music on it.. I’m setting limits for myself.

Always set limits for yourself.

I love this community and I’m glad to be back around.  Just wanted to let you know why I dissappeared on you all.  I have come back, because life is starting to feel good again.  Any warnings you might have like "Well maybe you shouldn’t do any of this stuff" is understandable, because I’ve thought them myself, but I feel like a good trip ONCE IN AWHILE (important!) is part of what I might call a spiritual practice, and important to me.

You all might remember that I was somewhat of a militant atheist as well.  I argued like crazy with people on TGL, and went to that Reason Rally.  While I still lean towards rationalism, I’ve stopped being a dick to people for what they believe, I live and let live, and I’m somewhat agnostic..  I don’t think there’s a deity like in the bible looking down at us all, I don’t believe any world religion has adequately summed it all up, but I do think there’s much more to reality than meets the eye. 

I am a shaman.  Mental mystic.. and I’ve learned to control myself, and take only what I need from it.  It took me a year and a half to get here from where I was, but I’m feeling good again.  I’ll never order pure noids again, that’s for sure, and I won’t spend more than 40 a month on blends.

I’m expecting my 30’s to be great, and better than my 20’s.  I’ll be 30 in Feb.  I hope you all are there enjoying it with me. 🙂

Thanks for reading.  Felt like I needed to share.